There is something about that 12 am notification on my screen that evaporates my sleep almost instantly. All of a sudden, my brain wants to open Pandora’s box which is not even meant to be touched. I open my escape route instead, devouring the pain that is making a slight knot in my throat. Before I know it, I am scrolling through the treasured memories in my phone gallery which are all hazy now and mean nothing but frames of fleeting moments frozen into pixels. It is not too long before I stumble upon that one picture shoved away in the archives of discarded memories.
That picture perfectly captured the warmth of the moment. I was sitting on a bench outside a café, dim lights adorning the cafe behind me, while my eyes were lit with joy and love as I dotingly smiled at the person behind the camera. My fingers froze, the knot in my throat painfully lodged and my eyes filled up as the tears traced their way across my face, as the Pandora’s box is open and all the memories flung around in a frenzy. As my eyes shut, the usual darkness was replaced by snippets of moments where everything felt perfect. It is funny how we can accurately remember some moments hidden deep in the crevices of our mind perfectly; right from the smell of freshly made cheesecake which laced the moment as I smiled at the person sitting across me, feeling the warmth of his hand as it held mine somehow making it feel better. I lean towards him reaching out to caress his face but a notification on the device in my hands jolts me coldly back to the tiny empty apartment.
It’s 1 am and it seems like apart from Zomato and Swiggy no one cares about my existence. I get up from the bed and walk over to the small window in the kitchen and stare into the glittery skyline of the City of Dreams – Mumbai. As the gentle breeze blows across my face feeling extra cool due to the trails the tears left behind, my mind travels back in time to the same café but the feeling of warmth is not there anymore instead, there is tension, the smell of cheesecake just a sour reminder of the once sweet memory ripped into pieces as I stared at the very same person as his hand felt cold and unwanted in my grip, the cold silence and silver noise of cutlery cutting through the happy moments we shared, which were now divided and to be pulled away onto different sides. A limp hug and a meek, “Nothing will change.” sealed the moment as we parted, the rich smell of the car seats and the driver’s meek attempts to keep me sane through the car ride still fresh in my mind.
I opened my eyes, the skyline fuzzy now as my vision was blurred due to the waterworks. That moment was 5 months ago, I haven’t heard his voice, felt his touch, or even seen him for that matter, of course, COVID-19 was one of the reasons but another one was this chapter of my life which I held onto was over. I had a flight the next day morning the final page would conclude then. As the realization struck, I gave in to the pain of everything leaving the city and the person I fell in love with and all other memories of love, pain, happiness, joy, laughter mixed into a heady cocktail cutting through me. Mumbai deserves probably another letter altogether but here we are despairing about heartbreaks.
As the memories of the city slowed and the fog cleared in my head, I leaned against the window. Looking at the small apartment I called home for 10 months now, with innumerable memories. I stared back into now a dull reddish-orange skyscape of the city that held all my precious memories. As I welcomed the heartbreak with a smile and new set of tears, I took out the cheesecake from the fridge and heard my alarm for 5:00 am strike. I guess at the end of the day, it is about the cheesecake and the heartbreak.
