It’s 3:00 am again and, I was meant to sleep about 1.25 hours ago but, instead, I’m lying almost lifelessly on my bed as I faintly notice the tears rolling down my cheeks. I don’t even know how it started, where did this pot of darkness start brewing tonight. Maybe, it was that date I agreed to or the presentation I’m not prepared for or maybe it is the decision of leaving the job or…I didn’t know anymore. The pot of darkness brewing in my head just like tea which slowly turns the water to dark brown as it brews, similarly, anxiety starts with that gentle tinge of grey in your head and slowly brews darker gripping you; overpowering you till it achieves Vantablack intensity and every inch and every part of you is soaked in fear and restlessness till it reaches its saturation then the numbness creeps in chilling your blood which runs in your veins rendering you almost lifelessly numb.
As yet another panic attack makes it course through me, my body is still as the storm wrecks me and hurts me exploding every inch of my brain with shards of all the pain and memories shoved in the black box. I feel like screaming throwing away this god-awful entrapment that my body has become and freeing my soul at last. But all I do is ball up like a numb ragdoll and feel the tears slowly soak my pillow till it finally stops. It is surprisingly still inside my head, finally. The fog of fatigue overpowering my senses, making me lose myself into a slumber but this is the worst part I think. As I dance tantalizing on the edge of sleep, the Pandora’s box fills my head with painful stills from the past; the face of a childhood friend who I don’t talk to, the smile of a person who broke my heart into pieces, the disappointment in my father’s eyes as her daughter failed yet again, pain on the face of a friend who I shut off yet again and many more memories each uniquely painful. I’m wide awake again my breath trembling yet again as memories, the pain again starts brewing another storm in my mind, “No not again, please! Please!” I beg to no avail as my eyes well up again, I can’t go through this again, but it hits again, the white pain shooting through me. It is like a haunting song on loop, you can’t just stop and you spiral down that loop. As I keep getting thrown in the storm as a rag doll, I vaguely notice the sun lighting up the sky, the deep orange hues melting away the dark sky. It is finally calm now inside my head, everything is back to normal, the Pandora’s box locked and stowed away with probably stronger reinforcements. The injuries left by the storm, the cuts and nicks already recovering and the mess being finally cleaned up and thrown in the recycle bin of my brain. I dance back to the cliff of sleep and as I’m about to dive into the ocean of deep slumber my alarm rings jolting the fog away and it is 9:00 am again.
